Ten things I hate about you Twilight Style
by Babee-Maddie
Summary: Basically what the title suggests
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or Ten Things I hate About you.

Chapter One:

Edward Cullen, new student at Padua High, sat in the office of Ms. Perky the Guidance Counseler as she typed away on her laptop,

"I'll be right with you," she said before looking back at her laptop and jotting down a sentence for her romance novel, then shut her computer screen and handed Edward his schedual, "Here you go, Edward, Nine schools in ten years, army brat?" she asked as she stood from her chair and walked towards the window, the pink skirt-suit set clinging to her body tightly, A little to tightly.

"Ah, Yeah, M-My dad is, Uh-" Edward stuttered over the sentence he was trying to form before she cut him off,

"That's enough," Edward looked at her, "I'm sure you won't find Padua any different from your old schools," after she say that a splat of something lands on the window behind her and she flips the bird to them, "Same little ass-wipe shit-for-brains everywhere," Edward stared blankly at her as she chuckles.

"Excuse me?, Did you just say-, Am I in the right office?" He asked, he was definately confused right now, why would the Guidance Counseler say that,

"Not anymore your not, I got deviants to see and a novel to finish, Now Scoot," Edward just looks at her for a few moments, "Scoot!" she said as he rushed to stand and back out of the room only to crash into the coat stand then come face to face with the schools deviant Emmett McCarty.

"Emmett McCarty, I see we are making a visit a weekly ritual," She announced as he walked in

"Only so we can have these moments together, Shall I - uh - hit the lights?" His asked in his cocky voice as he smiled

"Oh very clever, Kangaroo Boy, Says here you exposed yourself in the school cafeteria?" she asked as she rooled her eyes at his comment,

"I was joking with the lunch lady, it was a bratwurst," he said exasperatedly

"Bratwurst?," she asked, "Aren't we the optimist," Emmetts face twisted in to a mask of disgust, "Next time keep it in your pouch, Okay?" she asked from her spot on the corner of the table, "Scoot," Emmett walked out of the room confused, as Ms. Perky sat back at her desk and erased the word 'member' and replaced it with 'bratwurst'

***

"Hello, Jasper Hale, I'm supposed to show you around," The young male told Edward they shook hands,

"Oh Hi, Thank god, You know, Uh-- Normally they send down those audio visual geeks," Edward mentioned,

"No, I do," Jasper said "I know what you mean," then a audio visual geek walked passed the pushing a T.V trolley

"Hey Jasper, where should I put those slides," the kid asked

"Jasper?" he say "So uh-" Jasper looks down at the sheet of paper in his hand, "Cameron, Here's the breakdown, Over there, we've got your basic beautiful people, Now listen. Unless they talk to you first, don't bother," he said point to four of the 'beautiful people'.

"Wait. Is that your rule or theirs?" Edward asked as they were passing,

"Watch. Hey there?" Jasper said

"Eat Me!" said one of the beautiful people,

"You see that,"

"To the left, we have the coffee kids," coffee spills,

"That was coasta Rican Butthead!," one said as the other had caused him to spill his coffee,

"Very edgy. Don't make any sudden movements around them," he said but kept on walking "These delusionals are your white Rastas, Big Marley fans, They think they are black. Semi-political but mostly--"

"Smoke alot of weed," Edward finished for him,

"These guys,"

"Wait, wait. Let me guess. Cowboys?" Edward asked

"Yeah, but the closest they've come to a cow is McDonalds," Jasper said chuckling at his own joke, "McDonalds," He says again and Edward nods, "These are your future MBA's we're all Ivy League accpeted, Yuppie greed is back, my friend, Hey guys, How you Doing?"

"Close it Eric !," One said as Eric closed the laptop.

"Yesturday, I was their God!"

"What happened,"

"Eric Yorkie, started a rumor that I -- that I buy my Izods at an outlet mall," she said while sighing,

"So they kicked you out?" Edward asked

"Hostile Takeover," he said "But don't worry, Now over here--"

"Oh My God!," Edward interupted,

Rosalie Swan walked out into the courtyard to meet up with Jessica Stanely.

"What group is she in?" Edward asked

"The 'Don't even think about it' group," Jasper Stated "Rosalie Swan, She's a sophomore,"

"I burn, I pine, I perish,"

"Of course you do, you know she's beautiful and deep, I'm sure,"

"Yeah but see, theres a difference between like and love, I like my Sketchers but I love my Prada backpack," Rosalie said,

"But I love my Sketchers," Jessica answered back,

"That's because you don't have a Prada Backpack,"

"Oh"

"Listen forget her, Incredibly uptight father, And it's a widely known fact that the Swan sisters aren't allowed to date," Jasper said as they watched the two girls walk off,

"Uh-Huh, Sure," Edward said as he watched mesmerized by Rosalie, "Whatever" he says as the Bella Rings,


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or Ten Things I hate About you.

Chapter Two:

"Okay, then. What did everyone think of 'The Sun also rises,'" Mr Banner asked towards his class, as Angela Webber placed her hand in the air,

"I loved it, He's so Romantic,"

"Romantic. Hemingway?, He was an abusive, alcoholic misogynist who squandered half his life hanging around Picasso trying to nail his left overs," Bella Swan, Rosalies older sister, added her opion on the book.

"As opposed to a bitter, self-righteous hag, who has no friends?" Mike Newton shot at her, everyone 'oohed' and started chuckling,

"Pipe down, Chachi," Mr Banner told him and Mike looked astonished,

"I guess in this society, being male and an asshole make you worthy of our time," Bella shot back at Mike before rolling her eyes, "What about Silvia Plath or Charlotte Bronte or Simone De Beauvior?" Emmett McCarty runs in panting,

"What'd I miss?" he asks,

"The oppressive patriarchials values that dictate our education," Bella said

"Good," Emmett said before walking back out of the classroom,

"Mr Banner, Is there anyway we can Bella to take her Midol, before she comes to class,"

"Someday your going to get bitch-slapped and i'm not going to do a thing to stop it," Mr Banner said, "And Bella, I want to thank you for your point of veiw, I know how difficult to be for you to overcome all those years of upper-middle class urban oppression, Must be tough, But the next time you storm the PTA crusading for better lunch meat, or whatever it is that you white girls complain about, ask them why they can't buy a book written by a black man,"

"That's right man." Two of the White Rastas said,

"Don't even get me started on you two," Mr Banner said as the sunk in their chairs, mumbling,

"Anything Else?" Bella asked,

"Yeah, go to the office your pissing me off,"

"What?, Mr Banner--"

"Later!" Bella raised for her seat and collected her stuff and walked out of the room, not before whacking Mike Newton with her book,

***

"Undulating with desire, Adrienne removes her red--" Ms. Perky says to herself before backspacing the word 'red' and replaces it with 'crimson' "Crimson cape at the sight of Reginald's stiff and-- Judith," she calls, "What's another word for 'engorged'?" she asks

"I'll look it up" say Judith Cope

"Swollen, Turgid,"

"Tumescent?" Bella adds as she walks in,

"Prefect," Ms Perky says before replacing her glasses, "So, I hear you've been terrorizing Mr Banners class again,"

"Expressing my opinion is not a terrorist action,"

"They way you expressed your opinion to Tyler Crowley? By the way, his testical retrieval opperation went quite well, If your interested"

"I still maintain that he kicked himself in the balls,"

"The point is Bella, People precieve you as somewhat--"

"Tempestuous," Bella added,

" 'Henious Bitch' is the term used most often," she concluded, Bella smiled in apprieciation. "You might wanna work on that, Thank you,"

"As always thank you for you excellent guidance, I'll let you get back to Reginalds quivering member," She said before she waltzed out of the room,

" 'Quivering Member' I like that,"

***

"Virgin Alert, your favourite," Tyler said to Mike as Rosalie and Jessica walked past,

"Ooh, Looking good ladies," Mike said towards the sophomores,

"Oh, she's out of reach, even for you," Tyler stated,

"No ones outta reach for me,"

"You wanna put money on that?" Tyler asked,

"Money I got, this, I'm gonna do for fun," Mike said as Tyler scoffed,

"Whose that guy," Edward asks Jasper, while looking at Mike,

"That's Mike Newton, He's a jerk off, and a model,"

"He's a model," Edward asks while chuckling,

"A model," Jasper said again, "Mostly regional stuff, but he's rumoured to have a big tube sock ad coming out,"

"Really?"

"Really"

"Man, look at her, Is she always so--"

"Vapid?" Jasper cut Edward off,

"How can you say that?, She's totally--"

"Concieted,"

"What are you talking about?, theres more to her than you think," he said then looks over at her, "Look at the way s-she smiles and- and look at her eyes, man, she's totally pure, your missing whats there,"

"No, no, Edward, Whats there is a snotty little princess wearing a strategically planned sun dress, to make guys like us realise that we can never touch her and guys like Mike realise that they want to, She my friend is what we'll spend the rest of our lives not having, Put her in you spank bank and move on."

"No"

"Move on,"

"No, no, your wrong about her, I mean you know not about the spanking part, but the rest your wrong,"

"Alright-- I'm wrong?" Jasper says "You wanna take a shot be my quest, she's actually looking for a French Tutor,"

"Are you serious? Thats perfect!"

"D-Do you speak French?"

"Well, No, But I will!"

***

Bella and Alice are walking through the parking lot on the way to Bella's care,

"Hey, your little Rambo look is out Kat." Mike says as he pulls up in his red convertible, "Didn't you read last months Cosmo?"

"Run along," Bella say before walking off with Alice,

"I know you can be overwhelmed and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be 'whelmed' " Jessica asks Rosalie as they walk through the car park towards the busses,

"I think you can in Europe,"

"Hi, Ladies," Mike says as he pulls up next to them, "Would you sweet young things need a ride?" he asks the two girls look at each other before squealing alittle and climbing in "Careful on the leather," he says as the pull away from the curb,

"That's a charming new development," Alice says to Bella as the pull out of their parking space behind Mike,

"It's disgusting," Bella said as they were about to drive off, Jaspers motorcycle jerked to a stop in front of them, "Remove head from sphincter, then drive," Bella shouted at him,

"You okay?" Edward asks Jasper as he pulls up beside Edward,

"Yeah. Just a minor encounter with the shrew, That's your girlfriends sister," Jasper explained

"That's Rosalie's sister?" Edward asked astonished,

"The mewling, rampalian wretch herself," Jasper sighs, "Stay cool, bro,"

"Yeah cya later," Edward says as Jasper drives off into the path of an oncoming car and swerves missing the vechile, only to go down the grassy hill off of the carpark, everyone runs over to the ledge where he went down, Edward drops his bag and follows everyone to see that Jasper is flying down the hill towards the soccer field,

"My Balls," he calls as his bike touchs the ground and his books fly everywhere, until finally the bike slows and tips and Jasper rolls through the grass then stands and turns to everyone and they all clap.


End file.
